The first family get together since the death of our son is happening this weekend and I regret to say, I will not be there. The thought of getting together in a large group makes me uncomfortable. The thought of any type of celebratory situation makes me very uncomfortable. I need more time to heal before I am ready to participate in celebratory events or social gatherings.
I am not ready to see the look in anyone’s eye when they see me, especially if they haven’t seen me since our son’s memorial. To see everyone all at once would be too much. To have to answer all the ‘how’ questions is not something I am emotionally ready to do. Thinking about having small talk about how being back at work is going or even worse COVID makes me want to scream. None of this matters to me – work is fine and COVID sucks.
I have thought a lot about this. I have tried to talk myself into going. I would love to go and act as if everything is ok.
But frankly, I am tired. I am tired of having to be strong. I am tired of having to act ok all the time. Everything is not ok. I am not ok.
I am sorry I can’t make it to the family gathering this weekend.
I am not sure I will be able to make it to the next one either.