On difficult days everything hurts. On these days, I can’t stand the sound of my own voice. Simple everyday conversation feels wrong. One sentence out of my mouth can send me into hysterics.

I was driving a route I take home from work and very casually said to my sister “whoa it’s been awhile since I have taken this route”. Immediately, I wish I never thought or said those words. In an instant I was crying. The last time I took that route was January 24th, the Friday before I was induced. The rest of that car ride, which thankfully wasn’t that long, I tried so hard to remember what my baby was doing that Friday. Was he kicking me? Did I have one hand on my belly to feel him? I could guarantee I was singing or talking to him, I did that anytime I was alone in the car.

I should cherish the moments I was pregnant. I should be able to look back and laugh at how much he moved and how big I got, but instead looking back causes unbearable sadness. I want so badly to go back to January, I want to be pregnant with my little boy so I can tell him again how excited I was to become his mommy. I want to sing him his song and feel him kick. Why did I hate being pregnant so much when I got to spend every moment with him?

Give me back all the things that made me uncomfortable so I can be with him.  Take away anything else and place my son in my arms. He should be home with us. We had so much love to give him.

There are a few seconds each morning, just after waking up, that things feel normal; then I get hit with knowing what I lost. Most days I would love to hide under the covers all day; I would love to avoid any and all conversation but that isn’t how this works.

I have to get up.

I have do the day to day.

I have to move forward; I have to move forward without my son.

Even though, every minute of every day I feel the pain of losing him.

2 thoughts on “Every Minute of Every Day”

  1. Mallory, I feel your love, heartache and sorrow in each and every word and memory you write about. I wish I could tell you it’s going to be okay soon and It gets easier but I know and you know I would be lying. You are so right though, you have all those beautiful private mommy-to-be memories and dreams between you and TEK that can never be taken away! You are so brave to be pouring your heart out for all to read about your daily struggles and challenges as a “loss mother” trying to survive the unbearable grief. You have found an excellent forum here in which to share his life here on earth with the whole world! Continue to share insight and stories and let everyone feel your undeniable love and bond between you and your little boy, Theodore.

    Just letting you know that I do remember how ecstatic you were when you told us you were pregnant. And every week you couldn’t wait to send me a new picture of your belly or let me touch and feel for movements & kicks. Sure at times you were uncomfortable but what pregnant woman doesn’t experience some of that too It comes with the territory. So don’t beat yourself up because you complained about a few aches and pains here and there. You should never minimize your pregnancy experience and the joy you felt carrying and protecting your baby. You were the ultimate glowing mommy-to-be.

    As I read your memories and daydreams I can feel such a tremendous release of sadness and emotion coming from you which I believe is probably draining mentally but is also very therapeutic for you which is a good thing. Grieving the loss of a loved one is never easy but the loss of a baby is something no one can prepare you for. We are all at a loss for words many times and feel helpless but want to be there for you in any way we can. Even if it means to sit in silence with you, cry with you or just listen. I pray everyday that God gives you the strength to handle this life crisis. We have to keep the faith for your little angel in heaven.

    With unconditional love, Mom

  2. You move at your own pace. Some loss mothers are years into their grief and still can’t look at the memories of their pregnancies with happiness. Some can days into it. Everyone and every experience is different. <3 one day at a time.

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