Oh My Sweet Boy –

Mommy wants to tell you about your nursery. Before I tell you about the room itself, I want to explain to you how we came up with the theme.

In August of 2019, Mommy and Daddy decided to do a blood test to find out if you were a boy or a girl. The blood draw was taken the Friday before we were leaving on vacation to Daddy’s favorite spot – Orlando, Florida.

We were told that we would find out the results in 5-8 days which meant there was a high possibility of finding out while on vacation.

The anticipation of the results drove us mad.

Mommy checked her email at least 100x a day.

On a Thursday after being at a beach where Mommy had no cell service or internet connection Mommy was finally able to check her email on the long car ride back to the condo.

Once I did I saw that it arrived! I looked over at Daddy who was driving “Guess what! The email came!! Do you want me to open it now or wait until we get back?”

Daddy said wait because we were stuck in construction traffic and he needed to concentrate.

We were both so eager to read the results. To this day, I can still feel the mix of emotions: nervousness, excitement and agitation that we were stuck in traffic delaying us from finding out!

When we finally got back to the condo, Mommy and Daddy opened the email. It took Mommy a minute before I saw the result. When I did I let our a strange sound, like a mix of a laugh and a cry. I asked Daddy what he thought.

He said “ A girl?” quickly followed by “I have no clue just tell me!!”

Mommy said “We are having a BOY! We are having TEK Monster!” I had already known that if you were you your name was going to be Theodore Edward. I already knew, you would be my TEK Monster. I wanted to call you TEK Monster but Daddy didn’t like the idea of calling our baby a monster – which made Mommy laugh. So TEK you became.

Daddy was so happy, he called Grandma and Grandpa from Poland right away.  Mommy sent her family a text message that the gender reveal would be coming that night… that is a story for another time.

When he got off the phone, we began brainstorming nursery themes.

We discussed doing a space theme. Mommy went on a site called ETSY to look up nursery décor.

Everything Mommy picked out Daddy said was too unrealistic. He said he wanted your room to look like real space.

Mommy told Daddy “That is too scary for an infant. Maybe when he is 10 we can make his room look like Space.” Oh to think about you at 10!

So we discussed other options. I really wanted your nursery to be super unique. I did not want to go with an animal theme like puppies or a safari theme.

Then we came up with the idea of AIRPLANES.

This idea stood out for a two reasons 1.) Daddy has always wanted to be a pilot, 2.) Mommy was going to be traveling for work for many weeks while pregnant with you. In fact, when the year was said and done you traveled with Mommy 17 out of 28 weeks you were inside Mommy (Mommy stopped traveling at 29 weeks).  You were the best co-pilot.

As I sit right now on the rocking chair that Grandma and Grandpa from the US got us, I imagine you sitting on my lap. I imagine leaning my cheek against your noggin’ feeling your soft hair and smelling your scent. You are holding the stuffed American Airline Airplane I bought you at the Sioux Falls, SD airport. Oh Tek, I want so badly for this to be our reality. I want so badly to be watching you grow; you would be about 8 months now. I don’t even know what an 8-month old would be like – you were going to teach me.

Anyway – back to the story:

One day in September, Daddy told Mommy he wanted to go to Art Van to look at baby furniture. Mommy said ok but only to look because it is too early to buy anything.

When we got there we found the set we loved; A light cream color that looks like rustic wood.

The showroom had it all decked out in pink for a little girl, so Mommy went around the store looking for blue.

Daddy replaced all of the pink with the blue that Mommy found. As we looked at the crib, Daddy put his arm around Mommy and said “well let me find a sales person”.

He then went and found someone. When they came over to the bedroom set Daddy said “we want to purchase all this” motioning with his hand to the crib and dresser.

Mommy again said it was too soon but the sales person informed us that it wouldn’t be delivered until January. So we bought it.

Your baby mattress was delivered 2 weeks after we purchased that set. We got such a kick out of how small and light it was.

Come mid-October ALL the furniture arrived.

Your Grandma and Grandpa from Poland bought the furniture for you.

I can’t remember the timing but at some point we had your room painted two different shades of blue – a dark blue for an ‘accent’ wall and a light blue. The colors look so good together.

Once the room was painted, Daddy put your crib together – Mommy supervised and took pictures. Oh how we could not wait for you to arrive. We thought your room was going to be so perfect for you.

Mommy started picking out airplane décor – first going with Auntie Ashlee to a baby store to buy airplane sheets and a matching blanket.

Then having a woman on ETSY create a wood airplane picture to hang above the rocking chair.

Mommy also bought some airplane decals but to be honest she wasn’t impressed with the quality so I wasn’t going to use too many of them.

As you grew in Mommy’s belly, I would come into your room to just stand by the crib. I would look down at the airplane sheets and daydream about you sleeping with your arms up as babies do.

I thought about hearing you cry or make noises over the baby monitor.  

I thought about the day you would grow out of the crib and Mommy and Daddy would have to turn it into a toddler bed. I thought about how sad that would probably make me and how I would feel that you were growing up to fast. Oh Tek, how I wish that was the sadness I was feeling.  I wish I felt sad that you were growing so fast, instead of the unbearable sadness of your absence.

What I am going to tell you next is hard for me to say; I hate that I have to.

Today is the last day I will be sitting in your room set up as your nursery.

You see… the room feels very big and empty without you here so Mommy has to be strong.

Mommy has to be strong today because Auntie Ashlee is coming over to help Mommy clean out your room.

Daddy will be turning your crib into a full size bed for guests.

As painful as this is going to be there is good coming out of it. Mommy will be donating a lot of the items to women in need. Your baby things that are sitting in this room unused will go to another little baby who is in need of them. I will keep a few things.  I know you know that Mommy won’t be forgetting you, these are just things that were supposed to be yours; I don’t need them to feel you with me.

Every day, I feel you.

Every day, I think about you.

Every day, I love you so very much.

and

Every day, I carry your heart in mine.

Love always,

Mommy

Update: The next morning I was made aware that my son’s items were going to a mother in need with a little BOY! I cried so hard hearing this news. I wanted so badly for his things to be donated for free to a mother in need and not to a place where they would be bought. The tears I cried were mostly of joy but some may have fallen in sorrow.

This article was written by mallory

2 thoughts on “Your Nursery”

  1. Mallory, As I read your mommy-to-be story I can feel your heartfelt anticipation about planning the dream nursery like it was yesterday. Hard to believe nursery preparations for baby-boy to-be started almost a year ago. You were so excited about picking all the designs and decorations for your dream nursery. Every time we talked it was all about the colors and airplane theme you picked for the baby’s room. It was finished to perfection…every last detail completed just waiting for baby-boy-TEK to arrive…

    It was fun going to the Amish store to order the rocking chair with you. You picked out a couple of wood stain samples to to take home and match by the color of the crib furniture. Then I placed the order…9-12 weeks delivery time. Grandpa and I couldn’t wait to see our gift in the nursery. I dreamt of the many days you would rock and comfort your crying baby, nurse your baby in the chair wee hours of the night or rock your baby to sleep as you sang your special little song to him. This chair was meant to be for all the joys of motherhood months and years to come. But now today as this room evolves into a guest room, we can still dream can’t we?!

    Mallory, my loving and strong daughter,
    it is hard to believe it has been almost 8 months since that fateful day you lost your baby boy. It sounds like a while ago but yet time seems to be passing on slowly in out hearts and minds. I am trying to hold onto every precious tiny moment I had with your son, my grandchild. Theodore stole my heart from the moment I laid eyes on him that’s for sure!

    You and your child-telling wisdom have explained everything so carefully to TEK. You’re a natural mommy! He knows your heart is in the right place and you are keeping him close to your heart. Know that he feels your immense love and motherly devotion every second of every day…you are his HERO! ???

    With unconditional love, Mom ?

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