My sweet Theodore,

I often imagine what your life is like in heaven.

I think of you living your best life surrounded by family; even the people I didn’t get to know.

I am comforted by the thought that you are being spoiled with hugs and kisses. The idea that they hold you and care for you, just as I would have done here on earth, brings me solace.

When I let my imagination run wild, I think of you doing all sorts of fun things with them in heaven.

Great-Grandma Ruth brings you with to her canasta games. Her and her best girlfriends ‘oooo’ and ‘ahhh’ over how cute you are… and so well behaved. Every so often, the ladies have a good laugh when she shows up with the latest fashion accessory from Heaven QVC. Once everyone stops laughing, Great-Grandma whispers a witty comment to you with her eye brows up. I so desire to hear (and laugh at) one of her witty comments one more time.

Great-Grandpa John goes golfing every day. He has rigged up a car seat apparatus for the golf cart so you can go with. I envision the weather in heaven being a perfect 78 degrees and sunny – all the time.  As Great-Grandpa drives around the course he is saying hi to everyone; he is such a social butterfly. I wish I could hear his voice again, even if it is him asking me questions that are a little too personal.  

On days you spend with Great-Grandma Kathy, you sit on her lap and watch the hummingbirds.  Every time she points one out she laughs her distinct laugh. I picture the hummingbirds in heaven being spectacular! I also imagine you smelling like White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor after spending time with her. I would love another chance to smell her perfume on my clothes after a long, tightly squeezed, good-bye hug.

Great-Grandpa Robert loves to take you camping. He is teaching you all the cool boy scout things like building a campfire and setting up a tent. At night, he points out the different consolations. I bet stars shine so bright up in heaven. Great-Grandpa is too cool to smile but you know by the smirk on his face he is having a great time. I remember the few times I spent with Grandpa Robert feeling his love through that too cool smirk – if only I could feel that love again.

Great-Grandpa Edward has welded a side car onto the tractor for you to ride along in. He is passionately showing you how to till the land at the house in Poland. That yard is probably greener than green in heaven.  He has a huge smile on his face (the kind you see in someone’s eyes) as he is riding around with you. I only met Grandpa Edward once, but I will never forget those smiling eyes.

I hope what I have imagined is some variation of the truth. I have to believe that you are with family and not alone. I want nothing more than for you to be loved and taken care of.  

As I imagine you having the best time in heaven, I can’t help but imagine what life would have been like if you were here with me. I will never stop imagining this.

I will always wish to be mothering you here on earth, rather than mothering you up in heaven.  

My arms will always yearn to hold you.  My heart will always ache to be with you.

My love will live here, until we meet again.

Love, Mommy