Think about a moment in your life that felt the most perfect. A moment you would not change a thing about. When you look back at memories of your life this one stands out as the absolute best. You knew with all your being, everything was right in your world at this moment.
Do you have a moment in mind?
Now think, if you were given the opportunity to live in that moment forever- would you?
I haven’t written about the time Tek spent in the NICU at Luries Children’s Hospital and frankly, it’s because I am not ready too. I do however, want to share the most perfect moment I had with my son.
What led to this moment was some good news; news that meant if my son hadn’t gotten an infection, a day later, he would be home with us now. (Those are the moments I am not ready to relive.)
On February 2nd at 10:15pm, a doctor informed my husband and me that everything was looking good and our son was being cleared of any complications from the reason he was at Luries to begin with. I will always remember that doctor’s wide smile when he told us this news. You could see the excitement on his face as he said “it is time to put him on a going home plan”.
My husband and I, as you could imagine, were ecstatic to hear this.
When the doctor left the room, a nurse gave me the details of what a going home plan looked like. She told me that preemie babies forget to eat so we needed to get him on an eating schedule. The game plan: wake him up him every three hours to feed him starting that night.
On February 3rd a little after mid-night, I got to experience my first (and only) mid-night feeding with my son. The nurse told me that even though he will be feeding from a bottle he should also have skin on skin time.
Nothing could have prepared me for how powerful skin on skin time is.
There I was, in the middle of the night, my little boy’s naked body on mine. Feeling his warmth and soft baby skin was magical. I remember feeling like I was dreaming –I kept thinking there was no way my husband and I created this perfect human being, but we did and I was love-struck.
During this feeding, he was looking up at me with wide open eyes. I was shocked by how alert he was and I swear, he was staring into my soul. I couldn’t take my eyes away from his. As I looked at him, I was mesmerized by how flawless he was. I was also amazed by how much he looked like his daddy but at the same time I saw so much of me in him.
I remember holding him in my left arm with the bottle in my right hand. His free hand was laying on my chest and his little fingers were fidgeting on my skin. The nurse commented on how content he was in his mommy’s arms. I laughed and told her “the feeling is mutual”.
If I think long and hard, I can still feel his weight on my left arm and how soft his skin was. I can feel the movement of him gulping down my breast milk. At times, he would take deep breaths as he drank, I can feel his little chest inflate with every deep breath.
In this simple moment, I remember feeling like everything was right in my world. This time with my son was beyond blissful.
Sitting there in that quiet room, just us, was our perfect moment.
There is nothing I would change.
I would live in this moment forever.
*Featured image is a charcoal drawing inspired by an actual picture taken this night. Artwork by Julie Anderson.