I got a personal text from my dental hygienist informing me that they are now scheduling appointments for patients to get their teeth cleaned. Reading that text caused anxiety and anguish. I don’t want to go back to my dentist office. Not because I hate getting my teeth cleaned, I actually love it. Going back will involve being reminded of a time I was feeling hopeful and happy.
I was pregnant at my last appointment. My round belly was getting to the point where it was obvious that I was expecting.
During the visit, my dental hygienist and I only talked about pregnancy and babies. When my dentist came in for the exam, he gave me advice on how to raise teenagers. WE TALKED ABOUT MY SON BEING A TEENAGER! The discussions were fun and light. I talked about how excited my husband and I were to be having a boy. As I was leaving, the comment was made that next time I am there I would have an almost 3 month old. Everyone was so genuinely excited for me.
It hurts to remember that version of me. That person gloated about becoming a mother. Her head was filled with wild ideas of what her son’s future would be like. She had all the optimism in the world about raising her baby boy. She was even a little cocky about being ready to be a mother; constantly saying she had no fear about becoming a parent just pure excitement. It is hard to believe that person was me. I hate being reminded of that version of myself.
You might be thinking it is just the dentist you are freaking out over nothing but let me explain why I feel so much anxiety. At this office the dental hygienists remember EVERYTHING. My dad and I have laughed about this fact on multiple occasions. I only go to the dentist every six months for cleanings and without fail the hygienist will start talking about our last discussion – How was your vacation to Florida? Is that big project at work done? Is your pool open for the summer? If we talked about it she will bring it up. Having a baby is an exciting topic, I highly doubt she may have forgotten. I use to love that they made the visit feel so personable. But now…. I dread being personable with people. I despise small talk.
Going to the dentist is supposed to be an easy task. I hate that this has become another situation I have to get emotionally and mentally prepared to handle. I would give anything to be able to go in like it is just another visit. I would love to have small talk that consisted of me sharing funny stories of things my little boy has learned to do. I would love to show off pictures and videos of him.
I fantasize every day of being able to say thinks like: “Our little boy was born in January. His name is Theodore. He is growing like a weed. Everyone was right, time does fly.” Everything in me wants to be the adoring first time mom-to a living child. Instead, if I go, I will have to tell my hygienist and dentist that our son is living his best life in heaven. I will have to see the look of shock in their eyes, that quickly turns to heartache for me. Then I will have to muster up the courage to act like it is OK and go forward with getting my teeth cleaned.
I can’t bring myself to reply to the message. I am considering changing dentists.
I want to run away from situations like this one.