Dear Grieving Mama,

Today is a difficult day.

Today you can’t hold back the tears so you let them fall.

Today you sit on your bed, hugging your baby’s urn, feeling it impossible to move forward. 

Today you are in so much pain you can’t function or get control of your mind.

Today you are angry to the point of wanting to scream and yell as loud as you possibly can

“WHY DID THIS HAPPEN!?! WHY MY BABY!?!”.

Deep down knowing you will never get an answer.

Today you are too tired to see or talk to other people.

Today you cry because you miss the old you.

Today you wish so badly to be that version – happy and energetic. 

But, today you are sad and empty.

Today you want to claw a way out of your head; these feelings are unbearable.

Today you feel like a horrible wife, friend, sister, daughter, because you’re not you anymore. 

Today YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT ALL THE ABOVE IS OK.

It’s ok to have bad days, nights, weekends, weeks and months.

It’s ok to struggle to hold back the tears; let those tears fall, cleanse yourself of the pain.

It’s ok to have moments when you let the anger get the best of you; go ahead, scream and yell. Maybe punch something.

It’s ok not to be you right now.

You are grieving – let yourself grieve.  

I also need to tell you, as it’s ok to have these horrible moments and to struggle, it’s also ok to slowly start to pick up the pieces.

Slowly put the pieces back one by one. Build a new version of you.

One that will have this loving memory of your child.

Yet, know what it means to weather the worst storm.

I know that is difficult to hear. I know you may feel like it is impossible to rebuild.

I know that being in your grief is where you feel the closest to your beautiful baby.

I know that on somewhat good days, the day ends with a pang of guilt. 

I know these feelings all too well!

But I believe (I have to believe), that at some point, it will be possible for grief and other emotions to live together.

We will be able to live our lives with enjoyment.

We will smile again; it won’t make our loss less.

We will laugh again; it won’t mean we have forgotten.

We can go out on date night with our husbands and even have a good time; we deserve love and to love.

I know none of these things will ever feel the same for us.

There will always be a piece of our hearts missing, but that is because our babies are carrying those pieces with them in heaven.

With love,

Theodore’s (Tek’s) Grieving Mommy

10 thoughts on “Grieving Mama – I Know”

  1. This is so moving. You’re right. It’s ok to be whatever you need to be now and it’s ok to feel better when you can too! Sending love!

  2. Mallory, You are so expressive in your thoughts and emotions. It helps us as we read and listen to your grieving “shattered” heart to understand the depth of your sadness and grief. It is definitely okay to take however long you need to because there is no timeline for grieving. We are here for you now and when you are ready to pick up the pieces…baby steps. One day at a time…
    With unconditional love, Mom

  3. Thinking of you Mallory. I appreciate you sharing this. It’s so raw and so real. Please hold onto your faith and know how many people are sending you good thoughts!

  4. “We will smile again. It won’t make our losses less.”

    The coexistence of happiness and heartbreak is confusing, even to those of us who live it daily. Thank you for putting words to this.

    Please keep writing. Keep sharing.

    1. Thank you Samantha. It is very confusing and at times hard to believe possible. I read this quote on another blog “Be brave enough to hold on to the hope that life will be beautiful again”, I am clinging to that hope like it is a life jacket, I have to. I find that in my day to day life I search for hope everywhere.

      I will keep writing and sharing because I want to keep my son’s memory alive. Please do the same, your post on Still Standing was beautiful and was the hope I needed for that day.

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