Dear God,

I wanted to let you know how angry I am. I am not sure if I am angry with you directly or at the fact that this tragedy had to happen. I finally got the baby I had been praying for and wanted more than anything. Theodore was so perfect. I was so excited to be his mom. It makes me so sick that he was taken from us. How and why could this happen? I am angry that not only was my baby taken, my life has been taken. I have no idea how I can move forward when I am so sad. The sadness consumes all of me, mentally, physically and emotionally.  This makes me ache all over and I am just so tired.

God, if there is a reason why this had to happen please let me know. Was I not appreciating life enough before? Did I not appreciate all I had and the fact that I was finally a mother? What lesson did I need to learn to have this happen?

God, please let me know that he is with my family and they are holding him. Please let Tek know that I love him, I miss him and think about him all day. I just hope he felt my love while inside me and when he was here. He was so perfect, I was in such awe of him.

How can I move forward?

How am I supposed to feel happy?

I am so scared that I won’t get through this. At times the sadness is so strong I feel it through my whole body. I am so scared that Tek was my only chance at having a baby. I am so scared we won’t be parents to a living baby. All I want is to have Tek here with us. All I want is to be a mom to a living baby.

God, I am so sad.

*This letter was written in a journal provided to me by my support group. I wrote this some time in early/mid March. This has been unedited and comes straight from the journal. Grief at times can be a dark and chaotic place.

3 thoughts on “Raw Emotion (unedited)”

  1. Mallory, I know how unbearably hard it is to fathom how God could let this tragedy happen to someone who so deeply prayed for and wants to be a mother. I think it is only natural to want to blame or question God. After all, this is who we trust and pray to for everything in our lives. Your verbal expression of sadness, anger and loss of answers is only the beginning to healing. But just being able to acknowledge and confront all these concerns show that you are on the right path and looking for answers in the right place. You are grieving a shockingly unfair loss that conflicts with everything you thought you knew about your faith and God growing up. He was supposed to look out for you and protect you. They say in time grief heals so please keep the faith. I know you say you find it impossible to pray right now but someday again you will be able to. I pray that this setback in faith and God is only temporary and that in time you can grasp an understanding as to why God chose your little boy to be a special angel so soon…
    With unconditional love, Mom

  2. Dear Mallory
    I’m sure it is only natural to question God and I can well understand your anger. I’ve read all your journal notes. Thank you for sharing it has made me realize (again) how precious life is and how I take it for granted.

    I think your mother (Janet) gave a response that says so much. As your mother, Janet gave you advice that only a mother could give. No one will ever love you like Janet Mallory just the same as nobody will ever love Tek quite like you. Only God knows what our children have in store for us. It is with a mother’s love we take on all their ups and downs. Your down was a hardship very great indeed.
    What makes a mother? Who knows! I read once we are all mothers by the nature of our very being with a body and hormones that cry out to nurture. Mallory I cannot think of wishing anyone more than you a Happy Mother’s Day! I look forward to seeing you one day and giving you that big hug that says ‘I don’t understand your sorrow’ but I know Tek is in heaven and is really grateful that you were his mum.

    God bless Susan x

    1. Hello Susan,

      I want let you know I received your comments and I love what you wrote. They speak to me on this hard day.

      I love my son more than words on my website can convey. I hope more than anything he knows this and feels the love (and unfortunately the sadness) with each post.

      Thank you for supporting me during this time.

      With love, Mallory

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