I wanted to let you know how angry I am. I am not sure if I am angry with you directly or at the fact that this tragedy had to happen. I finally got the baby I had been praying for and wanted more than anything. Theodore was so perfect. I was so excited to be his mom. It makes me so sick that he was taken from us. How and why could this happen? I am angry that not only was my baby taken, my life has been taken. I have no idea how I can move forward when I am so sad. The sadness consumes all of me, mentally, physically and emotionally. This makes me ache all over and I am just so tired.
God, if there is a reason why this had to happen please let me know. Was I not appreciating life enough before? Did I not appreciate all I had and the fact that I was finally a mother? What lesson did I need to learn to have this happen?
God, please let me know that he is with my family and they are holding him. Please let Tek know that I love him, I miss him and think about him all day. I just hope he felt my love while inside me and when he was here. He was so perfect, I was in such awe of him.
How can I move forward?
How am I supposed to feel happy?
I am so scared that I won’t get through this. At times the sadness is so strong I feel it through my whole body. I am so scared that Tek was my only chance at having a baby. I am so scared we won’t be parents to a living baby. All I want is to have Tek here with us. All I want is to be a mom to a living baby.
God, I am so sad.
*This letter was written in a journal provided to me by my support group. I wrote this some time in early/mid March. This has been unedited and comes straight from the journal. Grief at times can be a dark and chaotic place.