I have been thinking a lot about the saying “it’s OK to not be OK”. While I do feel this is a true statement and needed to be heard while grieving, I think it is as equally important to hear that IT IS OK to BE OK.
I remember the first day I felt this strange OK feeling in my grief, it was June (2020). I remember feeling guilty for feeling OK with my son not being here with me. This threw me into a war with my feelings. I felt I was betraying my son by not being in deep emotional turmoil for a day. I lived a full year in this emotional war. Always struggling with the days I felt OK, maybe even happy, and then struggling on days where I wasn’t even close to being ok. All around everyday I was struggling.
On January 26th, I was up all night, so I guess it technically was January 27th. I thought back through the first year of living without my son physically here. I thought about what kind of daughter, sister, friend and wife I was being. I thought about how I wasn’t fully present in conversations or really able to provide the best company. I’m sure my friends and family would say differently and that they understood I needed to do what I needed to do, but I’m not ok with this. That isn’t me. My son died, yes that is torture on most days but I am here. I am alive. I have a full life ahead of me. After thinking about this all night I told myself – I (we) have suffered enough. It is time to BE OK with BEING OK. It is time to live in the moment with my friends and family. It is time for the old me to come together with the new me. My grief will live with my happy. I also had to tell myself that being OK isn’t me forgetting or dismissing my son. I will not let a day go by without thinking about Theodore. He will forever be my everything. He will forever be the son I always wanted. I will carry the love I have for him every single day and because of that I am a strong mommy.
<3
Hi Mallory. I am very sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby on December 26, 2020. I was 36 weeks pregnant and suffered a placental abruption. My daughter, Joy, was born still as a result. She was perfect in every way, except without breath or heartbeat. The days and weeks that followed Joy’s death were devastating, dark, and filled with despair. Life just felt like a fog, I was very lonely in my grief. I decided to return to work in February, to get back some part of me and a bit of normalcy/routine. While difficult at first, I think it has been good for me to have a sense of purpose and to occupy my mind with thoughts besides “what if?” My husband and I recently attended a wedding and I actually felt a bit like my old self again, for the first time since losing Joy. Tomorrow marks 3 months since her last kicks and punches. I am struggling with many of the ideas you wrote about in your post, how to grieve, heal, integrate the new me into the old me, be present for my family, and have hope and plans for the future. It is a real struggle. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.