Cleaning out my closet today and feel very overwhelmed. Having to decide what to keep and what to donate is daunting – it seems like I’m always looking for something months later that I got rid of. 

Right now I am really torn up about two shirts; one is gray with purple stripes, the other is a white one with flowers all over it. Both were favorite maternity shirts of mine.

Back when I cleaned out Tek’s things I decided to keep these shirts for the next pregnancy. I was clinging to hope that there would be one. Sitting here with these shirts I don’t feel the same sense of hope I did a year ago.

I’m so tired and so angry. I have no Theodore and no pregnancy.

What really gets to me is – I only ever wanted one kid. I had everything I wanted and lost it all.

All of this grief is tearing me up. I’m losing sleep, I’m not myself. Every day is hard. 

As I clean out my closet I am thinking it’s time to let go. 

Let go of a future that didn’t happen. 

Let go of one that isn’t guaranteed too. 

Let go of these shirts.