PMP: Performance Management Plan otherwise known as review time.

Most employees dread the performance review process. I wouldn’t say that in the past I have dreaded it. I don’t particularly like talking about myself but I always knew I did a good job so was excited for the actual review and to find out the merit increase amount.

The process entails reviewing your work and the accomplishments over the year one by one to explain why they were for the good of the company. I always looked at work in a simple way and the PMP process seems so complicated to me.

My philosophy is to work hard, accomplish what I need to and move on. I didn’t sit around and relish in these accomplishments or wait for accolades from management. If I was given a task, I did it, and on to the next.

At times, I felt my biggest accomplishment was multitasking. I have always taken on more and more until I was overly stressed. I thrived on the stress. I felt like I was failing if I became bored. Year after year my goal was be better than the last year; grow by gaining more knowledge, take on more tasks, and be needed.

This year was much much different. This year I did not grow professionally, in fact, this year I have taken a step back.

I am dreading having to complete my review. I find the process painful and overall triggering.

Having to mentally go through the months of this year hurts. The look back process naturally starts at the beautiful month of January. The year started with so much happiness. I loved my job, I had a baby on the way, my life was going to change for the better.

This process of reviewing the year brings to light emotions and thoughts I have been ignoring.

Having to complete this is forcing me to write a review on how I have been surviving the day to day rather than fully engaging. I am stressed about reviewing myself because I have been struggling with work. This is a truth I have known and have not been open about with my boss or coworkers.  All year I have been balancing between working through my grief and working to get simple parts of my job done.

My work days have consisted of mentally fighting off sadness. Many emails were typed and sent with tears rolling done my checks. Many phone calls went unanswered because I needed a few minutes to compose myself before talking. More than a few times I deliberately logged onto webinars or called into meetings a few minutes late to avoid small talk.

I have to review my ‘just getting by’ accomplishments. I have to look back at how I shied away from speaking up; from engaging. I have said in the past that on difficult days I hate the sound of my own voice. I hate it because I hate that I have to function day to day when concentrating is challenging for me.

I have known for a while now that I can’t multitask like I used to. I know I am quiet and reserved and don’t get overly involved in projects. And now, here I am, required to professionally review a year where my biggest accomplishment has been getting through grief.