While in Key West over Thanksgiving, Albert and I found a bar with live music. This bar was one of the best places we went while we were there.

The walls were covered in $1 bills, cop and firefighter patches, license plates, bumper stickers and … BRAS. Yes! Bras! They were hanging from pillars, stapled to walls, everywhere you looked you would see a bra. That description may make this bar seem trashy but it really wasn’t. The bra “décor” fit the vibe and made you think of all the good times people must have had there. It felt relaxed.

The guy playing that night was awesome. We were told by the bartender that he is a well-known singer song writer in Key West. His name was Gabriel, he played mostly cover songs with some of his own thrown into the mix.

Gabriel took requests so I requested Queen. To my surprise he picked Mr. Farenheight. I loved that he picked a song not on my radar and he did a great job with it.

While listening to him play, I was really enjoying myself. I even let a little happy sneak in.

After a few songs, (one being an original of his off the CD I had just purchased for $20), Albert yelled “Play IRIS”. In a low voice Gabriel said ‘ooo a little Goo’ and started playing.

As he started to play I realized that I knew the song. I am horrible at identifying music based on the cords alone, I usually need to hear the words. But right away I knew this song and yelled in a whispering way “I LOVE THIS SONG!” to Albert, he lifted his glass to me to say cheers.

After hearing this song so many times, this time felt different. As I listened, tears started to sting my eyes. Eventually tears slowly rolled down my cheeks. I was calmly crying while I let the words fill my heart. The lyrics meant so much to me; I had a true understanding of what this song meant.  

I may have cried while it played but I felt good. I felt my son with me and it felt so good to have a few moments with him. As the song ended, I wiped the tears from my eyes, told Albert “that was powerful” and returned to enjoying myself.

This night was a huge breakthrough for me.

I realized I won’t be moving on from grief; I will be moving forward with grief always with me. Which is ok because carrying my grief is how I will carry the love I have for my son.

IRIS

by: GOO GOO DOLLS

And I’d give up forever to touch you
‘Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later, it’s over
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know, you’re alive

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don’t want the world to see me
‘Cause I don’t think that they’d understand
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am