Theodore –

I went on a plant tour today. I haven’t been on one since 2019. I have been to plants, but have been making up excuses not to go on a tour. It was painful for me to go. I had that familiar warm pit in my stomach and some of it I held back tears. 

While I was carrying you, I went on so many plant tours I lost count. I was so proud of all the travel I did with you. I was so excited to tell you stories of our adventures. Those trips will always be some of my favorite memories. 

There are small details that sometimes pop into my head. When they do, I try to hold on to them as long as I can to memorize them. Memorize the feelings, the images, the warmth. In many ways I have moved forward but in so many ways I still live in the past where you are. Oh do I wish to be back there with you. 

Four years ago today was the last day you were alive and Daddy and I were given the news that changed everything for us. I feel a lot of guilt for so many reasons. I want more than anything to go back to that hospital and stay with you. Why did I leave to go home. If I had the strength then, that I have now I would not have left. I would have had many more hours with you. 

If I could go back I would. Even with the same outcome. 

I would do it all again with one change. I would stay with you all night, my baby boy, my first born. I’m so sorry I didn’t. I will be sorry for the rest of my life.

 I love you, Theodore, or Tek as I call you. 

My love will live here, until I can be there.

**thank you for the Smiley**