I miss so much it hurts. 

I miss watching my bump grow. I miss waking up to it being bigger than the day before, at least that’s how it felt. 

I miss hearing his heartbeat at ultrasound appointments. I regret not recording it. 

I really miss feeling him move. I miss the late night jabs that were startling. I miss the “rolling around” he did right after lunch. I miss his hiccups he got in the late evening.

I miss the anticipation of his arrival. The daydreaming about what it will be like to have an infant at home. 

I miss the planning for his arrival. The schedule adjustments we were going to make to ensure he was well taken care of. The budget adjustments so we could afraid daycare, diapers, clothes etc. 

I miss the feelings I had during labor. The mix of  excitement and exhaustion. I didn’t think I would be able to do it. I even kept saying that. But I did. I delivered my sweet baby boy. 

I miss the 10 days I felt like a mom. I miss people calling me mom, mama, mommy when they spoke to me about him. I am still his mommy but does the world see that. Do they see when I am out at Target that I carried, delivered and cared for a baby? Do they see a car seat when I am parked somewhere? No, they don’t. It is not something anyone can see. All I can do is tell them. All I can do is say, “Yes, we have a son”, always followed by the fact that he is not physically here with us. 

I miss holding him and feeling his warmth. Babies are so warm! I always had to take my sweatshirt off. He was like a little heater. 

I miss feeling him take deep breaths. 

More than anything, I miss just being in his presence. I miss knowing that he was right there. That any time I wanted I could hold him, touch him, talk to him because he was there. For such a little boy his presence felt so big! 

I miss every single thing about my son it hurts.