First let me wish you a happy anniversary. I know neither of us are in a place where we feel like celebrating but to repeat what you keep telling me “we still have each other”. I am so very thankful for you. You have been the strength I need and the literal shoulder to cry on.
I have felt the need to apologize for a few things so I would like to do that now.
I am sorry that I didn’t tell you I loved you for so many months. I need you to know that I do. I do I love you. I love you more than anything. My heart, as is yours, is shattered and so many things were hard for me, unfortunately saying I love you to you was one of those things. Thank you for being patient with me and my broken heart. Thank you for being strong for us so I could gather some strength to begin putting myself back together. Thank you for loving me even when I wasn’t loving myself, I needed that love.
I also want to apologize for this one incident. A few months back, on a Wednesday morning, it was early, I asked you if you were up. You said yes why. I said I wanted to talk. I remember this morning and it kills me to think about. I said some really cruel things. I said things to you that I deeply regret and wish I could take back. I also remember as I was saying such awful things you grabbed my hand and said “if this is what you need to do, I can take it”. Once again you showed your strength to me. I thank you for not holding any of those cruel things against me. I am so sorry I said them.
I know what has happened is not either of our fault but I feel I need to apologize for it anyway. I know you were excited to be a dad. I remember so many conversations we had about our future being a family of 3. I remember the questions you would ask me and the worries you had. I also remember telling you ‘I got this’ and not to worry. We were both ready to be Theodore’s parents and loved him so much. I am sorry we couldn’t do more; the doctors couldn’t do more. I would do anything for us to be able to have him with us. I know you wonder about what he would be like at 9 months old, I wonder too. Please never stop talking to me about him, he will always be our son.
I want to share one of my favorite pictures with you. When I look at it I laugh but also feel so sad. This was taken when Tek was only a day old. You had wheeled me down to the NICU so we could be with him. Since I was so weak from the magnesium and multiple blood transfusions I had to use a wheel chair and when we got to his room the nurse was just about to pick him up, you left me at the opening of his room and said let me do it. You rushed over and swooped him up, you asked the nurse if you were doing it right. I was in aww of seeing you with our son. I was in aww of the love you had for him. I am so happy I snapped this picture. To many it may look like a man awkwardly holding a baby but to me it is my husband lovingly holding our son and eager to learn how to be his father. At that moment I remember feeling so happy. I remember feeling so in love with you and Tek.
When I was stuck in bed for a day and a half after giving birth you would come up for a quick visit and give me updates. You would show me the pictures you took and then say ok bye I am going back downstairs. I loved that so much. I loved seeing you so excited and happy. I know with all my heart you would have been the best dad to Tek. You love with everything you have.
When we got married we said the traditional vows with the phrase for better or worse. Losing our son is and will forever be the worst thing that could possibly happen to us. Going through this together has proven to strengthen our bond and grow us as husband and wife. This will sound cliché but I know that going through this together means that our relationship is strong enough to get through anything.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for marrying me 9 years ago.
I love you.
Your Wife, Mallory