Hello Family and Friends,

I am not going to start this letter asking how you are holding up during this craziness with shelter-in-place.  I will also avoid saying phrases such as ‘stay safe’ and ‘be well’ since we all have probably had it with this COVID-19 BS. I will not mention anything about being together virtually either.   

Everything going on outside our peaceful homes totally SUCKS! My heartbreaks for those who cannot say goodbye to their loved ones who are passing away. At the moment when my son was passing I wanted to stay in that hospital room forever. Not being able to hold him in that moment or even be with him would have destroyed me. I feel the pain those who have lost loved ones during this time, I feel it all the way to my core. In fact, when I heard about a 9 month old at Lurie’s who passed away a few weeks ago, whether from COVID-19 or not, my first thought was “I would love to be there for that mother”.  I would love to sit holding her hand while crying with her. I would listen to her ask why and say over and over again there has to be a reason for this, in between sobs that don’t even sound human. I would love to be there for any mother or father who is going through losing their child. My grief has given me a strong desire to help those who are hurting the same way I am hurting. Very few can imagine the pain that us “Loss Moms” or “Angel Moms” feel. People have a tendency to not even want to imagine it, I at times have a hard time imagining it, and I am living with it.  Once we are able to meet in groups again, I plan to apply to be a volunteer group grief facilitator at Hands of Hope. I have been writing in my journal regularly topics to discuss and things to say. I want to use this pain rather than let it just eat away at me. To be completely honest, I want to be selfish and share Theodore’s story over and over again. All I want to do is talk about him and say his name.  I am not ready now but hopefully when I become a facilitator I will be ready to share his pictures.

As you can probably gather, I have had way too much time inside my own head these last few months. I would like to continue typing this letter, so bear with me this may be long. I have so many rambling thoughts. I am surprised how much writing helps; I fell lighter after getting it all out. I want to say a BIG thank you to you for reading this and cannot express enough gratitude for you being here with me.

Ok, enough with the over sappy. Let me tell you what has been going on in my life.  I went back to work on Monday, April 13^th. I was in the office for one day and then was sent home. No, it wasn’t due to the fact that I could barely hold myself together. It was due to dun.. dun… dun… COVID-19. Those employees who are able to work from home were told to. So one day out of the house for longer than a few hours and back home I went. So far after only 3 days, I don’t find working to be that much of a distraction. Theodore is on my mind 99% of the time. I traveled to over 20 plant locations while I was pregnant with him so much of my day to day thoughts are about that. When I see a plant location name in an email or on a spreadsheet I think, I was xx weeks pregnant with him or “oh, that city had that restaurant that had those honey glazed carrots I was craving”. That restaurant was Crackle Barrel and that city was many of the locations I went to. You can now see my conundrum about being back at work.  I do want to say that so many of my coworkers have reached out and have been very supportive. They have listened to his story and let me cry. I feel the love from them.

I work hard to be somewhat human, and my hope is that one day I won’t have to work at it so hard. It is crazy because the littlest things are hard for me to do, like use an emoji in a text message. I just cannot bring myself to select one of those cute little happy emojis, not even the emoji that is sad since it really doesn’t express the ugly cry I do on a frequent basis. Even though I find it hard to use them, I do not find it hard to receive them, because honestly, emojis make text messages more colorful and I do need color in my life. I am unable to click on the gallery button on my phone to view any pictures or take pictures. I removed my picture from my work outlook email since it was a photo I used to give to my grandpa, who at the time was living at a ‘nursing home’. I got all dolled up to take that bump photo for him, I was about 23 or 24 weeks pregnant. Seeing that genuine smile on my face was making my stomach turn. There are so many simple things I just can’t do because it either makes me sad or has a potential to. Like listening to music is hard, I am always afraid that certain songs may come on that again remind me of being pregnant. One in particular is “Prayed for you” by Matt something. It is a country song basically about praying to God, he is talking about a partner but I would sing it to Tek. It played every morning on my way to work. When he was born, I had everything I ever prayed for. I guess I should have stressed in my prayers that not only did I want a baby, I wanted to keep him forever… I still have yet been able to pray, I do hope one day I am able to.

When I was thinking about writing this, I wanted to complain and to vent about how I really feel. So I am going to take a quick moment to do that. I just feel icky, not in the I feel shitty kind of way, but more in the I am exhausted and emotionally drained kind of way. I am not even sure that makes much sense to you but in my new world it does. I spend a lot of time refusing to let the angry stage of the grief process in. I am not up to fully feel that emotion yet. Instead, I teeter between being able to cope and feeling this ick.  It is exhausting to be on this teeter totter of emotions. Some days are fine and I get through with no problem, maybe even a little bit of happiness sneaks in. Other days I eat ice cream for brunch because I just don’t care to watch my diet since I’m just so tired. I find Saturdays are very hard for me, and I hate them. I want to yell I HATE FUCKING SATURDAYS! at the top of my lungs.  I am not even sure why, the only thing I can think of is that Theodore passed away on one; it makes sense that I would hate the day of the week my world came crashing down. I think that is enough venting about how god awful Saturdays are and how I feel icky. I really could go on and on about the things I hate at the moment but try not to let the negative get the best of me. 

 In all of this, I do have some good news. I am back to being completely off of insulin. YAY! My a1C is perfect and my Islet Cells are happy little liver campers. That is a relief. For a moment, I thought I had lost them. I am working very hard to be physically healthy. Thanks to my walking partners I have been walking almost every other day and averaging 3 miles per walk. Albert and I have also taken up extreme stair climbing at home every hour on the hour during the day. My legs are a little sore!

For now, I have put you through enough of my rambling thoughts, so I better start ending this even though I have so much to say. This letter is written from my point of view and I would like to add that Albert too is hurting. Him and I talk about our son regularly and I am thankful we have each other. Thank you for reading this and please continue to be there for me. If there is a moment you think of me or my son, please feel free to send me a quick text. You can even just send an emoji heart, smiley face or airplane; bring some color to my world.  Grief is a very dark and lonely place.

And to my baby boy I want to say “ You lived, you breathed. Our love is forever, I will always be your mother and you will always be my precious child.” – Author unknown

With love,

Theodore’s (Tek’s) Mommy, Mallory