Think about a moment in your life that felt the most perfect. A moment you would not change a thing about. When you look back at memories of your life this one stands out as the absolute best. You knew with all your being, everything was right in your world at this moment.
Do you have a moment in mind?
Now think, if you were given the opportunity to live in that moment forever- would you?
I haven’t written about the time Tek spent in the NICU at Luries Children’s Hospital and frankly, it’s because I am not ready too. I do however, want to share the most perfect moment I had with my son.
What led to this moment was some good news; news that meant if my son hadn’t gotten an infection, a day later, he would be home with us now. (Those are the moments I am not ready to relive.)
On February 2nd at 10:15pm, a doctor informed my husband and me that everything was looking good and our son was being cleared of any complications from the reason he was at Luries to begin with. I will always remember that doctor’s wide smile when he told us this news. You could see the excitement on his face as he said “it is time to put him on a going home plan”.
My husband and I, as you could imagine, were ecstatic to hear this.
When the doctor left the room, a nurse gave me the details of what a going home plan looked like. She told me that preemie babies forget to eat so we needed to get him on an eating schedule. The game plan: wake him up him every three hours to feed him starting that night.
On February 3rd a little after mid-night, I got to experience my first (and only) mid-night feeding with my son. The nurse told me that even though he will be feeding from a bottle he should also have skin on skin time.
Nothing could have prepared me for how powerful skin on skin time is.
There I was, in the middle of the night, my little boy’s naked body on mine. Feeling his warmth and soft baby skin was magical. I remember feeling like I was dreaming –I kept thinking there was no way my husband and I created this perfect human being, but we did and I was love-struck.
During this feeding, he was looking up at me with wide open eyes. I was shocked by how alert he was and I swear, he was staring into my soul. I couldn’t take my eyes away from his. As I looked at him, I was mesmerized by how flawless he was. I was also amazed by how much he looked like his daddy but at the same time I saw so much of me in him.
I remember holding him in my left arm with the bottle in my right hand. His free hand was laying on my chest and his little fingers were fidgeting on my skin. The nurse commented on how content he was in his mommy’s arms. I laughed and told her “the feeling is mutual”.
If I think long and hard, I can still feel his weight on my left arm and how soft his skin was. I can feel the movement of him gulping down my breast milk. At times, he would take deep breaths as he drank, I can feel his little chest inflate with every deep breath.
In this simple moment, I remember feeling like everything was right in my world. This time with my son was beyond blissful.
Sitting there in that quiet room, just us, was our perfect moment.
There is nothing I would change.
I would live in this moment forever.
*Featured image is a charcoal drawing inspired by an actual picture taken this night. Artwork by Julie Anderson.
So eloquently and graphically written. No one will ever be able to feel that moment exactly as you did, but your words will take anyone who reads them as close to the moment as could be imagined.
Thank you for sharing.
<3 Aunt Pam
What a special moment with your boy.
Mallory, I felt your most perfect moment while reading your detailed story. Blessings to you.
Love, Aunt Debbie
Mallory, I too remember Sunday, February 2nd as a perfect memorable day. Your father and I were visiting at the hospital that day. It was a very special day because that was the first time we got to see you holding and cradling your newborn baby son. It was incredibly heartwarming to see you glowing as a first time mother. I was teary-eyed as I witnessed this beautiful sight. Then you asked me if I wanted to hold my new grandson for the first time. I was ecstatic of course! It was a dream come true to be able to hold our daughter’s brand new baby son. I was mesmerized as I fed him his bottle. He gripped my baby finger in his little fist as he was looking up at me. I believe we were both in such awe in those moments. But, then I realized I had to give him up so grandpa could have the honor of holding his new baby grandson for the first time too.
That day as we left the hospital I remember thinking to myself that our new grandson, Theodore was one lucky little boy to have you, Mallory, as his mommy. You looked incredibly happy in your new role as a mother.
Later that evening you told us that the doctors cleared him of complications and would be planning a schedule to go home. Our prayers were being answered. I went to bed that evening feeling very thankful and on cloud nine…unforgettable day.
Love, Mom & Dad
I agree, I could feel this most perfect moment and relived it with you. You described this perfectly. Love you.
This is so beautifully written and incredibly moving. Your memories of Tek are so precious, and I can feel his love for you in this moment and forever always. Xoxo
Dear Mallory
What a wonderful moment you and Tek shared together. Such beautiful writing it really made me think I was in the room with you experiencing your feelings together. God has given you a great gift of sharing so beautifully. Thank you.
Susan
This was a truly special moment and although it’s a moment passed you can always visit it and feel the love and contentment you both shared. Your memory is a real place for you to spend time with him and that love will be a part of you always! Thank you for sharing this beautiful, perfect moment.