What if I had never been diagnosed with diabetes,
What if I hadn’t gotten the Islet Cell transplant, 
What if I wasn’t on immunosuppressive drugs, 
What if I didn’t travel for work so much, 
What if I didn’t get cholestasis, 
What if I hadn’t gotten preeclampsia, 
What if I delivered you at 36 weeks like we had planned, 
What if I asked what is the alternative when the nurses asked me if you could have formula, 
What if I had said I needed to do research when the doctor asked if she could try to put the IV in your already drying out umbilical cord, 
What if I had noticed something was off sooner, 
What if the infection was caught earlier, 
What if I had been better while pregnant,
What if I had done research when I knew you could have been a preemie, 
What if…. 
you had survived NEC. 

50% of preemies diagnosed with NEC do not survive. Doctors still don’t know what causes it so the what ifs I ask are endless. Without having answers the only thing I can blame is me.