My Sweet Theodore,

Today is your 1^st birthday. I want to be honest, for months I have been dreading this day. To go through your birthday without you physically here has been a heartbreaking thought. I had no clue what emotions would come over me today, which is why I made the conscious decision that today I will not be overcome by sadness. January 28, 2020 was the happiest day of our lives and that happiness should be remembered. That happiness should be celebrated today in 2021 and on all January 28ths to come.

Your first birthday celebration started with birthday balloons being delivered and wow did that make me happy. I worked hard on setting them up to be just right.  Mommy’s type A personality could not get over the fact that balloons cannot be controlled so a lot of tape was used to position them so each balloon could be seen. In the end I think it turned out PICTURE-PERFECT.

I picked Twinkle Twinkle Little Star balloons because you sleep amongst the stars, I wanted to bring some of that down to Earth for us to experience the stars with you. As I was setting up, I asked your daddy which balloon was his favorite and he said ‘the big cloud’. I love that one too! I wanted to get some larger balloons to go with the stars so went with two large cupcake balloons – those say Happy 1^st Birthday. We also got a few balloons as gifts which really completes the whole set up. All of them go so well together.  I love your birthday balloons so much I can’t help smiling when I look at them!

I want you to know, that from the moment you were just the size of a poppy seed we loved you. Getting pregnant with you was everything we prayed for. I feel so blessed with the gift of carrying you.  

I think about the adventures we had all the time. Tek, you went on so many airplane rides and road trips. You were with me at meat manufacturing plants all over the United States! To travel up to 28 weeks pregnant is crazy to think about. You were such a good boy – you didn’t make me sick once. I felt so strong traveling with you inside me. I felt proud and worked so hard to make you proud. I know that you were just a little baby and didn’t understand but I always thought one-day I will tell you stories of our adventures. One-day you would understand that I worked hard for you. So many one-days I would think about.

Now, one-day means something different to me. Now my one-day is – One-day we will meet again. One-day I will be where you are. One-day I will able to hold you forever. That one-day is a day I am looking forward to. It is a strange feeling – to be here but to want to be there. I know it is not my time to be with you. I know I have full life to live but I can’t help but wish to be where you are.

On your birthday, I it is only natural that I would reminisce about the moment I got to hold you for the first time. Your existence made me speechless, awe struck. I remember looking down at you and saying ‘hi’, that was all I could come up with, just a simple ‘hi’. Then I looked over at your daddy and said “I want to do that again” – “that again” was deliver you. I wish every day I could do “that again”.

I want to do all of it again, even with the same outcome. If I could do it again I would sing your song louder and more often –

I love you in the morning
And in the afternoon
I love you in the evening
Underneath the moon
Skinnamarinky dinky dink
Skinnamarinky doo,
I — love — you!

If I could do it again I would hold you for 1 more minute the night of our most perfect moment. I would sit by your hospital bed for a few moments longer on the days I couldn’t hold you.

Not a day goes by that I don’t wish that I could have more time with you. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for the gift of everything about you. From the memories of carrying you, to the memories of time spent with you.

You will forever be my greatest accomplishment. You have forever changed me as a person and I promise I will live the rest of my life making you proud so that one-day when I see you again you can tell me “Mommy, I saw you on your sad days, I saw you on your strong days and I saw you on all of the days in between. I am proud and mommy, I love you.”  

Theodore, I can’t wait for that one-day so I can thank you for making me a mommy.

Until we meet again, I will carry your heart in mine every single day.

I love you,

Mommy