Theodore!! It’s your birthday!

One of my all time favorite days of the year! The memories I have of you will always be in my heart. I’m terrified that the memories will start to fade so when a memory comes to my mind I hold onto it. I analyze everything about it and hold on. One of my favorites which still makes me laugh is all I said was “hi” when the nurse gave me you. I was in awe and couldn’t believe you were in my arms. I was at a loss for words. The feeling of holding your baby for the first time is a feeling you can’t put into words

I wish I could go back to that morning. I don’t think I’ll ever stop wishing for that. No matter how much time has passed. Time has only made that wish grow stronger. Time is taking that moment further and further away from me. I have said this before and I will keep saying it, I would do everything all over again. Even with the same outcome. Bringing you into this world was one of my greatest accomplishments. I am proud to be your mom.

Tek- You are loved beyond words. You are my son and you not physically being here doesn’t change that. I will mother you from down here the best way I can.

I am sorry your birthday brunch didn’t happen this year. It really was going to be a great day of celebrating you. I hope you know how devastating it was for me to cancel it.

Happy Birthday, my sweet boy…. Saying that now seems odd. You should be turning 6 today! Not a baby, not a toddler. A kid!! I’m ashamed to even admit I googled what type of birthday theme a 6 year old boy would want. Things I should know. Things I should know about my own kid. Each birthday stings a little more. There is so much we have missed…. There are so many things we wonder about. But this post isn’t about being sad. It’s about celebrating you! I will save the sadness for later. I love you forever and always.

PS. Please continue to send us smiley faces. Your sister gets a kick out of spotting them.