5 years ago you made me a mom. When the nurse placed you in my arms I looked down at you and said “Hi”, immediately after I looked over at your daddy and said “I want to do that again”. I want to go back to this day, 5 years ago. I want to go back so I can have those 10 days with you. As a first time mom, I was scared and didn’t follow my own instincts. I relied on the doctors and nurses too much. If I could go back I would be your mother. I would be the one taking care of you. I want to go back so you could know my touch and my voice. So you could know who I am. So I can hold you and show you how much I love you. Please let me go back! Please let me hold my son.

Even though I know it’s not possible to go back I still wish for it everyday. You not physically being here will not stop me from mothering you. I will make sure that you know my love. You will forever be the one who made me a mom. You have taught me so many things about myself. I am who I am because of you.

I have the strength to love no matter what. I have the empathy that allows me to relate to hard and uncomfortable circumstances. I have the patience to take a breath and pause when things get hard. You, Tek have taught me all of that.

I am sitting at your tree right now. It’s getting a little bit bigger each year. The trunk of it is starting to fill in. It looks so strong. Your tree is my grief journey. Each year I’m a little stronger. Slowly but surely I am healing.