I am constantly thinking should we try again?
Thinking about this causes a lot of pain. How can I bring myself to want to try again? Will I even gain the strength and hope it takes? Carrying around grief is wearing physically, mentally and emotionally.
I had everything I wanted and just like that I lost it. I know the truth is I will carry the pain of losing my first child with me forever. Even with fully acknowledging this I am having a hard time coming to terms with it.
When I look back at trying to get pregnant the first time, the feeling of hope was front and center. Each month I had hope that this was it, this was the month we would be pregnant. That feeling was what kept me going and kept the joy of trying alive.
My hopes got higher when we found out we were pregnant. This feeling seemed to soar even more the further along I got.
The day our son was born all that bottled up feeling of hope was released and all I felt was intense love.
Love for a little boy who we only imagined.
Love for a human being that was created by having hope.
I had no idea how much I relied on that emotion until it was no longer present in my day to day life.
These last few months, I have been on a quest to find that feeling again. Through reading blogs of how loss moms have survived this unthinkable journey, to phone calls with loss moms who have done what I find at the present moment unimaginable – pregnancy after loss. While I am thankful for these strong women sharing their stories, especially those who I have gotten to know personally, hope is still very much lost for me.
After agonizing over this thought, I have come to a huge realization.
I have to stop putting pressure on myself to find hope. I have to stop putting pressure on myself to make the decision on whether to try again. I am at the beginning of my grief journey. Before I can begin to hope for another baby, I have to learn to live with the pain of the one I lost. Once I am no longer struggling to get through the day but really living it, I can make the decision on whether to try again.
As I was in the middle of this revelation the thought of giving myself to the age of 40 popped into my head. Immediately with that thought I felt relieved of all the pressure I had been putting on myself. Having this ‘game plan’ in place has lifted me of feeling the need to make plans for the future right this instant. I am still very much living in the memories of my son which makes it hard to think about having kids in my future.
As of today, I will be giving myself to the age of 40.
Is 6 years a little extreme? Maybe. But it is the decision I needed to make right now.